J'ACCUSE -- Los Alamos!

We have solved a terrible mystery, and now we must point a finger

The past year has been filled with seemingly inexplicable events in one of the world's most respected scientific communities. A Los Alamos scientist was accused of vague but tremendously ominous-sounding treachery. Weather forecasts somehow were not conveyed to the people who were carefully planning a small preventive fire, and high winds turned prevention into cause. The world, and rabble-rousing politicians, wonder how, how, how these things could happen.

We now know the cause. Thanks to investigators at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), we have obtained key information. We now know that (1) milk causes mental aberrations:.

"Robert Cade, the brilliant inventor of Gatorade (Department of Medicine and Physiology, University of Florida), financed and performed a study that may very well earn him next year's Nobel Prize in Medicine. Dr. Cade and co-author, Ahongjie Sun, identified a protein in cow's milk that caused violent and abnormal behavior when given to laboratory rats."


We also know, from our own investigation, that (2) milk is served -- EVERY DAY -- in the cafeteria at Los Alamos National Laboratory and at the schools in the town of Los Alamos; and that (3) ice cream is dispensed at low cost, without doctor's prescription, at numerous locations in the area.

Thanks to PETA, we also now know that (4) milk causes acne, asthma, diabetes, two kinds of cancer, Crohn's disease, and early sexual maturation.

If something is not done -- NOW -- to shut off the milk taps in Los Alamos, we are about to see plagues there of biblical, perhaps even Tellurian, proportions. NO MORE MILK FOR LOS ALAMOS! We must protect our precious bodily fluids.

Thank you.


Prize Prediction

Our survey of sexually over-mature, diabetic acne sufferers indicates that Robert Cade, the brilliant inventor of Gatorade, may very well win this year's Nobel Prize in Medicine.

Congratulations, Professor Cade!

This item is from mini-AIR 2000-05. For a complete list of the HotAIR exclusive feature, see What's New.