Letter from a Crank(y)
Physicist
to the Annals of Improbable Research
Reclassification of Plutonium as a Dwarf Element
by
Department of Physics
Loyola University Chicago
October 4, 2006
I. Introduction
The recent reclassification
of Pluto as a dwarf planet by the International Astronomical Union1 has raised the issue
that other namesakes of the god of the underworld may have been similarly
misclassified. Plutonism, the
geologic theory that volcanic activity was the source of rocks on the surface
of the Earth, has proved to be only partially true. (Its competitor, neptunism theory, that rocks had originated
from a great flood and were basically sedimentary in origin, has suffered a
similar fate.) Today, rocks and
minerals are considered to be of both igneous and sedimentary, as well as
metamorphic origin2 (hereby dubbed proteanism). At best then, plutonism is a dwarf theory of geology.
II. Characteristics of
plutonium
It is thus important to
re-examine the element plutonium, and ascertain whether it merits the status
thus far ascribed to it. "Plutonium
is a radioactive, metallic chemical element....It can be made from natural
uranium and is fissile....All isotopes and compounds of plutonium are toxic..."3.
Let us consider these characteristics, and compare them with those of more
well-established elements.
1.
Plutonium is radioactive. Its most
stable isotope has a half-life of only 8.0 x 107 years, while the
most stable isotope of uranium (a mere two atomic numbers below it), 238U has a half-life of 4.5
x 109 years: over fifty times longer. The plutonium isotope which is important for nuclear power
production, 239Pu, lives for a mere 2.4 x 104 years while uranium's important nuclear
power isotope, 235U, has a half-life of 7 x 108 years,
nearly thirty thousand times longer.
Thus, plutonium in both its most stable and its most important forms is hardly
around long enough to be of any utility.
2.
Plutonium is metallic. This is a
formally correct statement; viz., the ground state of neutral plutonium has an
open shell that is less than half-filled with electrons. However, metallic behavior generally
comprises additional characteristics: malleability, ductility, and high thermal
and electrical conductivity. Many
much less exotic elements such as copper, silver, and iron easily meet some or
all of these criteria. An
extensive search of the literature and the houses of neighbors has failed to
unearth any plutonium wiring whatsoever.
Even if some were to be fabricated, the minuscule half-life of the
isotope would lead to innumerable short circuits and perhaps even electrical
fires.
3.
Plutonium is made from natural uranium and is fissile. In this, it is like several other
transuranic elements; namely, dependent on the presence of lower atomic number
elements for its very existence.
(Not surprisingly, its nearest partner is the similarly ephemeral neptunium.) Once produced, plutonium is extremely
fissile, either naturally decaying as noted above, or simply coming apart with
the slightest nudge from even such small particles as neutrons. In weapons
applications, plutonium needs to be alloyed with another metal (i.e., one that
behaves like a real metal) for stability. Thus, plutonium owes its very
existence to a parasitic relationship with other elements.
4.
All isotopes and compounds of plutonium are toxic. While this characteristic might provide plutonium with
enough cachet to rank as a real element, closer examination reveals that even
in toxicity it falls far short of expectations. "As of 2006, there has yet to be a single human death
officially attributed to exposure to plutonium itself. Naturally-occurring
radium is about 200 times more radiotoxic than plutonium.....Botulin toxin has
a lethal dose...far less than...plutonium....[C]arbon-14 and potassium-40 in
nearly all food...can cause cancer on casual contact, which...plutonium
cannot....[P]lutonium is less poisonous...than ...caffeine, acetaminophen, some
vitamins, pseudoephedrine, and any number of plants and fungi. It is perhaps
somewhat more poisonous than pure ethanol, but less so than tobacco and many
illegal drugs."3 This assessment is hardly a testimonial to
plutonium's eligibility for the toxicity elite.
III. Conclusion
An objective assessment of
plutonium's characteristics therefore leads inexorably to the conclusion that
it fails to meet virtually all of the requirements for full inclusion in the
periodic table of the chemical elements, or the table of nuclides, or the list
of poisons. It is therefore
proposed that plutonium be removed from those compendia and reclassified as a "dwarf
element." While this may lead
to the demotion of a number of its transuranic neighbors, that is the price
that must be paid for scientific integrity.
Acknowledgments: I am
grateful to Professor Steven Lubet for pointing out that plutocracy (although
deriving from ploutus: wealth,
rather than the god) is a stunted form of government, and to Dottore Alberto
Rapp for suggesting that the Disney dog is, without his makeup, a chihuahua.
Endnotes