Improbable Research

Scott Sandford’s classic 1995 AIR article ‘Apples and Oranges: a comparison‘ has recently been translated into Dutch by chemistry teacher Machiel Stolk. The translation ‘Appels en peren: een vergelijking‘ comes together with questions for students on the subject of absorbtion-spectroscopy. Please note that the Dutch are used to compare apples with pears, contrary to oranges:

Monsters van de appel en de peer werden bereid door beide vruchten meerdere dagen op 60°C in een oven te laten drogen. De gedroogde vruchten werden in een mortier fijngemalen en gemengd met kaliumbromide. Van beide poeders werd honderd milligram genomen. Deze hoeveelheden werden geperst tot twee cirkelvormige pillen, met een diamter van 1 cm en een dikte van 1 mm. Infrarood transmissie spectra werden opgenomen, met een resolutie van 1 cm-1, met behulp van een Nicolet 740 FTIR spectrophotometer. Figuur 2 toont de infrarood transmissie spectra van een Granny Smith appel en een Conference peer.

We welcome translations of this AIR classic into other languages. It would follow in the tradition established by the Universal History Translation Project, which grew another classic published in AIR:

“The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less,” Eric Schulman, 1997, Annals of Improbable Research, vol. 3, no. 1, p. 27.

AUSTIN, Texas –State agencies issue too many reports, a new 668-page report says.

The Texas State Library and Archives Commission spent 18 months and canvassed more than 170 agencies and public colleges and universities, checking on all the reports they are assigned to do.

The commission found more than 1,600, and state records administrator Michael Heskett is pretty sure his team hasn’t found them all.

Heskett’s initial findings indicate more than 400 report requirements are obsolete, duplicative or not needed as frequently as currently required.

So says an October 29, 2007 Associated Press report.

(Thanks to investigator Adiyasa Dwitami for bringing this to our attention.)

Investigator Luis García-Barrios invites you to assist him in a research project. He writes:

Here is an experiment (involving thousands of subjects) which has been going on for decades at the doors of the Santa Maria de Fiore Cathedral in Florence, Italy; an experiment which would make any high-tech neuroscientist drool with excitement.

Every day, hundreds of tourists line up at one of the cathedral´s lateral doors and are held for a couple of minutes at the entrance by guards who control the flow. People look at the art-work on the guilded bronze door-sheets while waiting. The olive-green patina of copper oxid on the right door-sheet has been slightly removed from the panel and from the head of a saint´s 40cm-statue by curious tourist with sweaty hands (figure 1 RIGHT). Surprisingly, the same part of the left door-sheet is greener but the helmet of a soldier´s statue is absolutely clean and glows in the sun (figure 1 LEFT). Tourist are grabbing it full-hand, and at least a hundred times more frequently than the saint´s head!

So what´s going on? Do people like soldiers better than saints? Are tourists-looking-at-art more right-brain-directed at the time, and therefore drift to the left? Our gut feeling points to something between left and right - but we just can´t grasp it. Can you help me with the job?

Unexpectedly, the saga of Theoharis Theoharis continues. Investigator Cassie Conley writes:

But there IS a Professor Professor Theoharis Theoharis, as found in Athens (where else?): http://graphics.di.uoa.gr/people/cv_theoharis.html

The saga, when last we left it (in mini-AIR 2007-04), was apparently at an end. But now, thanks to Investigator Conley, Professor-Professor Theoharis Theoharis takes his rightful place in the ranks of the professor-professors:

Theoharis Theoharis
Associate Professor
Department of Informatics
University of Athens
Greece

Cork rot, also known as “cork taint,” is the foul-tasting, foul-smelling condition of a bottle of wine gone bad. It is, indirectly, the cause of some snobby behavior in restaurants.

We have all observed someone making a huge ritual of sampling a newly-opened bottle of wine. The implication is: “My highly- trained senses can distinguish between the excellent and the merely good.”

In fact, the ritual has a simple purpose. Some fairly high percentage of wine bottles suffer from cork rot. Cork rot dismays the winemakers, the restaurateurs, and the drinkers. If a bottle has cork rot, pretty much anyone — anyone — who tastes the wine will know something is wrong.

Project Cork Rot aims to educate the snobs, or at least amuse everyone else. If you see someone at the table next to you making a snobbo ritual out of a simple good/bad test, clear your throat. Then say, in the friendliest way possible: “Ah, you are testing for cork rot! Is that bottle okay?”

Project Cork Rot was introduced in mini-AIR 2007-03.

TECHNICAL NOTE: Yes, there are snooty cork rot devotees. Some lisp, in a stage whisper, “2,4,6-trichloroanisole” or “2,3,4,6- tetrachloroanisole.” Others carry with them — always — a copy of Silva Pereira, et al.’s “Cork Taint in Wine: Scientific Knowledge and Public Perception: A Critical Review” (Critical Reviews in Microbiology, vol. 26, no. 3, 2000, pp. 147-62). Ignore them.

FURTHER NOTE: Also see “Mousy Off-Flavor: A Review“.

The Bureaucracy Club recommends consideration of a report in the January 5, 2007 issue of Oberoesterreichischen Nachrichten. As per club procedure, the report has been translated [using Google's automatic translator] from the original German into proper bureaucratic English:

Recent bride said in the joke “no”
Wedding was therefore broken off

STEYR [AUSTRIA]. With the abort to the wedding and a tear sea ended a harmlessly meant joke on the register office Steyr. Recently gab’s then nevertheless still another Happy ending.

A large wedding company had met before the register office in the lock Lamberg, in order to accompany the young Steyrer luck into the port of the marriage. “The tendency was omitted and merry”, describes a wedding guest. The recent, pretty bride wanted to probably contribute the their to the good atmosphere and answered to the question of the condition woman official, whether she wanted to marry their man, in the joke with “no”.

These defame went however thoroughly into the trousers. Because according to the valid regulations the condition woman official the wedding had thereupon to break off. That do not defame could any longer be cancelled, the pair even with a kind wedding barrier one occupied.

“This strict regulation is necessary, so that, if someone does not want to marry really, the family can exert no pressure on the marriage candidates”, says a lawyer. With a wedding before the registrar of births, marriages and deaths come it to a contract to the ABGB (Paragraf 44).

In the described case did not come off the present Treaty, there helped for the time being also the thick tears of the bride nothing, who repented its joke meanwhile bitterly….

The January 6, 2007 Telegraph contains an English language report about the report.

In regards to your column about professor-professors, Makhlouf Makhlouf is actually rumored to be Makhlouf Makhlouf Makhlouf, since his middle initial is M. I have had him as a professor, but I’m to scared to ask.

Jocelyn Lally
WPI
BS ME 2005
MS ME 2007

So says the note we received. At least one piece of evidence suggests that this is indeed a case of triple-Makhlouf. A conference abstract contains the following info:

Evolution of the Eutectic Microstructure during Solidification of Hypoeutectic Al-Si Alloys:
Mr. Hema Vardhan Guthy; Dr. Makhlouf Makhlouf Makhlouf
Metals Processing Institute - Worcester Polytechnic Institute, 100 Institute Road, Worcester, MA 01609 United States of America

The conference was not just a conference. It was a meeting — the 2001 TMS Annual Meeting. TMS stands for “The Minerals, Metals & Materials Society.” Another triple-M.

Is Makhlouf M. Makhlouf in fact Makhlouf Makhlouf Makhlouf? An adoring public wants to know.

Here are the Professor-Professors we have celebrated so far.

(This list was updated July 30, 2007. The concept was announced in the December 2005 issue of mini-AIR. Additions to the collection are announced in mini-AIR, and recorded here. Mono-professors—professors who have just one name—are also included in this list.)

ABRAHAM ABRAHAM
Associate Professor, College of Industrial Management at King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals. Abraham Abraham co-authored the popular paper “The Individual Investor and the Weekend Effect.”

ABRAHAM S. ABRAHAM
Professor of Medicine
Hebrew University Hadassah Medical School
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR JANET ELISE ROSENBAUM for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

AHMED AHMED
Professor of Pathology
University of Texas, Medical Division
Austin, Texas, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHELLY GLASHOW for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

[mono-professor]
Arvind
Johnson Professor of Computer Science and Engineering
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHANKAR UNNI for bringing this mono-professor to our attention.)
CHACHAGE CHACHAGE
Chachage Chachage
Professor and Head of Sociology
University of Dar es Salaam
Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Professor Chachage passed away recently. Here are three obituaries: 1, 2, 3.
(Thanks to investigator Vicki Scholtz for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

CHANG CHANG
Assistant Professor, School of Biomedical Engineering, Science & Health Systems
Drexel University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
(Thanks to investigator Adam Lorch for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

CHEN CHEN
Honorary Associate Professor of Physiology
Monash University
Clayton, Victoria, Australia
(Thanks to Colin Clyne for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

DAUOUD S. DAOUD
Associate Professor of Mathematics
Eastern Mediterranean University
Gazimağusa, Turkey
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR RICHARD FRANKE for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

DAVID J. DAVID
Professor and Executive Chairman
Australian Craniofacial Institute
North Adelaide, Australia
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR NGA LUC for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

ELSAYED A. ELSAYED
Professor, Industrial and Systems Engineering
Rutgers University
Piscataway, New Jersey, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR D. AUSTIN HOROWITZ for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

Francisco Carlos de Francisco
Profesor Titular - Universidade do Oeste Paulista
Prof. Assistente - Universidade Estadual Paulista Júlio de Mesquita Filho
Portugal
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR MARTIN KALUZA for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

FAWZY FAWZY
Professor of Psychiatry
UCLA School of Medicine
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR STEVEN PALMER for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

GALAL GALAL
Associate Professor of Information Systems
Chair, Department of Information Systems
Cairo University
(Thanks to Anthony Finkelstein for bringing this professor-professor to our attention. Professor Finkelstein writes: “I had a research fellow Galal Galal (now a prof in Cairo) it says Galal-Edeen on the website but all his papers are published as G. Galal.”)

HASSAN HASSAN
Hassan Hassan
Director of Research
University of Central Lancashire
(Thanks to investigator John Walton for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

HASSAN HASSAN
Visiting Scholar
University of Pittsburgh School of Education
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA

HASSAN HASSAN, Ph.D., P.E.
Associate Professor, Computer and Electrical Engineering
Lawrence Technological University
Southfield, Michigan, USA

HASSAN A. HASSAN
Professor of mechanical and aerospace Engineering
North Carolina State University
Raleigh, North Carolina, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHELLY GLASHOW for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

HASSAN H. HASSAN, MD
Associate Professor, Clinical Pediatrics
University of Arizona College of Medicine
Tucson, Arizona, USA

HUYNH HUYNH
E. Smythe Gambrell Professor, College of Education
Professor of Statistics, Department of Statistics
University of South Carolina
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR ALAN LESGOLD for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

IBRAHIM IBRAHIM
Research Professor at the Center
for Contemporary Arab Studies
Georgetown University, Washington, D.C., USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SARAH CLARK for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

JAFAR J. JAFAR, M.D.
Professor
NYU Medical Center - NYU School of Medicine
Department of Neurosurgery
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR FREDRIC J. SCHREIBER for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

JAMES JAMES
Emeritus Professor of Electromagnetic Systems
Royal Military College of Science, Cranfield University
Professor James died in 2006. Here is an obituary: 1.
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR LLOYD WOOD for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

JOSEPH JOSEPH
Associate Professor of International Relations and European Affairs
University of Cyprus
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHELLY GLASHOW for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

KARAM KARAM
Clinical Professor
Assisted Reproductive Technologies and Reproductive Medicine
American University of Beirut
Lebanon
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR NORBERT HIRSCHORN for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

[mono-professor]
KINSHUK
Professor and Director
School of Computing and Information Systems
Athabasca University
Athabasca, Alberta, Canada
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SALLY JO CUNNINGHAM for bringing this mono-professor to our attention.)

KARIM H. KARIM
Associate Professor
School of Journalism and Communication
Carleton University
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR BOB JONKMAN for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)
KARIM S. KARIM
Assistant Professor
School of Engineering Science
Simon Fraser University
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR BOB JONKMAN for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

LEE LEE
Professor of Biology and Molecular Biology
Montclair State University
Montclair, New Jersey, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHELLY GLASHOW for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

LI LI
Assistant Professor
Department of Family Medicine
Case Western Reserve University
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR JASON CHAO for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

LI LI
Professor of Physics
Tsinghua University
Beijing, China
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR STEPHEN ROSS for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

LU LU
Assistant Professor
Department of Anatomy and Neurobiology
The University of Tennessee College of Medicine
(Thanks to investigator Wim E. Crusio for bringing this to our attention.)

MAKHLOUF MAKHLOUF
Professor
Director, Advanced Casting Research Center
Worcester Polytechnic Institute
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR KEN APRIL for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

MATHEW MATHEW
Director of the Department of Medicine
Mercy Hospital of Philadelphia
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SHELLY GLASHOW for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

MICHAEL MICHAEL
Consulting Medical Oncologist
Peter MacCallum Cancer Institute Clinical School
University of Melbourne
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR IAN DAVIS for bringing this professor-
professor to our attention.)

MINA MINA
Professor of Pediatric Dentistry
University of Connecticut Dental School.
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR REBECCA GERMAN for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

MOHAMMAD MOHAMMAD
Associate Professor
Department of Middle Eastern Studies
University of Texas at Austin
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR CAROLINE WILTSHIRE for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

OSHITA O. OSHITA
Director, Department of Research and Policy Analysis
Institute for Peace and Conflict Resolution
Abuja, Nigeria
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR WOLF RODER for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

PIROUZ PIROUZ
Professor of Materials Science and Engineering
Case Western Reserve University
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR ARLENE M. STILLWELL for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

RAMSEY ERIC RAMSEY
Associate Professor
Faculty Director
Barrett Honors College
Arizona State University
Tempe, Arizona, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR ROY GATHERCOAL for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

SI SI
Associate Professor
Aichi Prefectural University
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR FERDINAND PEPER for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

SIMONE SIMONE
Associate Professor, Bari University. You can peruse one of Simone Simone’s published papers here: (Thanks to INVESTIGATOR MAURO A. CREMONINI for bringing this professor-professor and the professor’s publications to our attention.)

SHALABY SHALABY
Adjunct Professor of Bioengineering
Clemson University.
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR LARRY DOE for bringing this professor- professor to our attention. Investigator Doe writes: “Dr. Shalaby was a few years ahead of me at Lowell Tech. He actually holds two Ph.D.’s, one in Chemistry and a second in Polymer science — both from the Chemistry department — so he is either: Dr. Dr. Shalaby W. Shalaby; or Shalaby W. Shalaby, Ph.D., Ph.D.”)

SOLOMON S. SOLOMON
Professor of Medicine
Chief, Endocrinology & Metabolism
University of Tennesee.
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR SOURAV GHOSH for bringing this professor- professor to our attention.)

[mono-professor]
SUNWOLF
Associate Professor of Communication
School of Computing and Information Systems
Santa Clara University
Santa Clara, California, USA
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR JON PAULSON for bringing this mono-professor to our attention.)

TAHA TAHA
Professor
Co-Director, Infectious Disease Epidemiology
Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health
(Thanks to INVESTIGATORS CRAIG A. MAGARET and CAROL STRONG for
bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

THEOHARIS THEOHARIS
Associate Professor
Department of Informatics
University of Athens
Greece
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR CASSIE CONLEY for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

VILLADSEN VILLADSEN
Assistant Professor
Copenhagen Business School
Copenhagen, Denmark
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR BEN ROSAMOND for bringing this professor-professor, too, to our attention.)

VITTORIA VITTORIA
Professore Ordinario di Chimica Industriale
University of Salerno
Salerno, Italy
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR MAURO A. CREMONINI for bringing this professor-professor, too, to our attention.)

WANG WANG
Professor
Physics Department
University of Bath
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR KEVIN PETER O’DONNELL for bringing this
professor-professor to our attention.)

WARREN WARREN
Professor of Chemistry, Radiology, and Biomedical Engineering, and Director of the Center for Molecular and Biomolecular Imaging at Duke University. Warren Warren wrote the popular book The Physical Basis of Chemistry.

XIAO XIAO
Professor of Molecular Genetics and Biochemistry as well as
Pharmacology
University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine
(Thanks to INVESTIGATOR LILA GUTERMAN for bringing this professor-professor to our attention.)

YANG YANG (UCLA)
Professor of Materials Science and Engineering
UCLA
Los Angeles, California, USA
(Thanks to investigator Daniel Price for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

YANG YANG (Yale)
Associate Professor of Computer Science and Electrical Engineering
Yale University
New Haven, Connecticut, USA
(Thanks to investigator Daniel Price for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

YUAN YUAN (Memorial University of Newfoundland)
Associate Professor, Department of Mathematics and Statistics
Memorial University of Newfoundland
St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada
(Thanks to investigator Daniel Price for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

YAN YAN (Washington University)
Research Assistant Professor, Division of Urologic Surgery
Washington University, St. Louis, Missouri, USA
(Thanks to investigator Daniel Price for bringing this Professor-Professor to our attention.)

Investigator Ron Josephson writes: "A few years back you asked [in the December 1998 issue of mini-AIR, and then later in the Bureaucracy Club] about what steps were needed to buy red tape.  Well, here is a relevant, newsworthy item, a November 29 [2005] Associated Press article":

NASHVILLE, Tenn.-Two government employees were charged Tuesday with taking kickbacks on the purchase of 100,000 rolls of red tape.

Veterans Affairs workers Joseph Haymond and Natalie Coker were arrested in Murfreesboro and charged with taking bribes for buying the tape, normally $2.50 per roll, for $6.95 each, U.S. Attorney Jim Vines said in a statement.
Click here to find out more!

The two got kickbacks of $1 per roll for the purchases made between 1999 and 2001, Vines said. They could each face up to 15 years in prison if convicted….

This new red tape incident has taken a dire turn. On December 1, television station WSMV reported that:

VA employee found dead one day after bribery arrest
Dec 1, 2005, 11:06 AM EST
– One day after he was charged with making thousands from illegal kickbacks, Veteran Affairs worker Joseph Haymond was found dead at his Cannon County home.

Investigators with the TBI and the Cannon County Sheriff’s Office were called to Haymond’s Auburntown house at about 9:30am. It was there they discovered his lifeless body….

Investigator Nicole Bordes writes:

I came across this acronym finder web site. It makes for fascinating exploring. Possibly it is a resource for the members and sub-bureaus of The Bureaucracy Club.

This is a reminder that if you would like to nominate a Committee on Committees for the Committee on Committees Of the Year Award, please send pertinent info to the nomination committee of the Committee on Committees of the Year Award Oversight Committee.

(Before sending your information, please wait the required 90 days.)

The Bureaucracy Club of Amsterdam has just joined The Bureaucracy Club.

Investigator Wolf Roder complains in reference to the search for the one, true Fledermausmensch:

You wrote that "The word ‘batman’ translates into German as ‘Fledermausmensch.’"

Batman surely is, and always has been, a man (male of the human species). Thus "batman" would translate as "Fledermausmann"  (with two n, please). Now that you have batman translated, how about "batty" asuming this means bat-like? Fledermausisch?

Today’s entry in our ongoing series "Real or Concocted?" is a press release purportedly issued by the University of Buffalo. Here are excerpts:

Results showed that in the first year of marriage for 20-somethings, husbands are more likely to start or resume smoking marijuana if their wives smoke marijuana. … [Husbands] do not seem to influence their wives’ marijuana smoking. …

Previous research by [the same researchers] found that husbands’ drinking influenced wives’ drinking during the first year of marriage. However, from the first to second year, wives’ drinking influenced husbands’ drinking.

The research is purportedly funded by an organization calling itself The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.

A prodigiously prohibitive sign at Palm Cove Beach, in North Queensland, Australia, has just been added to the Prohibititions Competition.

(Thanks to Nicole Bordes for sending it in.)